Искусственный Борщ (imitation borsch)

1 can whole beets, 15oz
1/6 cup apple cider vinegar
1/6 cup water
1/3 cup sugar
2 tablespoons butter
1 teaspoon cornstarch
2 cups coleslaw cabbage mix (next to the lazy people salad kits at your local grocery)
2.5 cups beef broth
1 cup water
1.5 teaspoon dill weed (I'm not insulting you, I mean the herb)

Drain and dice the beets, then set them aside, being careful to sacrifice your least valuable fabrics to That Which Stains All, so that the more important ones may escape.

In a small saucepan, combine the apple cider vinegar, water, sugar, butter, and cornstarch. Bring to a boil, and boil for five minutes, stirring frequently. Remove from heat and mix the beets in. Congratulations, you now know how to make what is inexplicably known as a Harvard sauce.

Set the beets-and-sauce aside, and go play a hand of solitaire or something. (It's best to let them sit for at least half an hour. Since this is literally the only difficult part of the recipe, you can make a bigger batch and freeze the beet-and-sauce combo for later. Leave yourself a note to add another two tablespoons of butter when you thaw and reheat them.)

After your beets have had sufficient time to soak up your sauce, put the beef broth, water, and dill weed into a large saucepan and bring to a boil. Add the beets and the coleslaw mix, and salt and pepper to taste. Boil gently for eight to ten minutes, until the coleslaw has started to soften.

Serve hot with sour cream.

Not guaranteed to fool actual Russians.